I’ve pretty much been working all the time. Keeps my mind off things.

Even though, there are always those few certain things on my mind.  Relationships, Money, and My future.

As of right now, no relationships. Probably has to do with the fact the only guys I work with are either, still in high school, or in a relationship. But I’m not rushing things.

Money right now is fine. My mother is just trying to catch up with bills. We seem to have so many lately.  That’s because we had to put our dog to sleep on March 6th. It was expensive to keep her in the emergency room for the last couple of hours she was alive, and to put her to sleep, and have her cremated was expensive also.  But we are getting by just fine, and miss her terribly each day.

My future right now is slowly forming. I am slowly but surely signing up for drivers ed, and saving for a car. I am thinking of going for my certificate in Communications next year, so that should open up a lot more opportunities for me work-wise.

I know this blog isn’t the most exciting thing you will read, if anyone reads this. But until my life gets more exciting, this is how my blogs are gonna be.

I am going to try to write on this everyday. Kinda to document my pathetic…..is that the right word……. life at the moment. Hopefully, when I look back at this down the road, I will see the slow incline of excitement in my life.

So I will leave you with a quote, that pretty much sums up my day-to-day thinking;

“There is a law in psychology that if you form a picture in your mind of what you would like to be, and you keep and hold that picture there long enough, you will soon become exactly as you have been thinking. – William James”

Lately, I have noticed that I have feelings for someone very close to me. But the thing is, he is kinda the stereotypical male, only wanting the stereotypical “hot girl”. Now, everyone is telling me to tell him how I feel, but I know he will just laugh in my face.

I don’t know what to do. :/

random blogs make up my life :/

I now know, that I will strive my hardest to fulfill my full potential in life, whatever it may be. I may not know now, but that is because I am just starting my journey in life.

But for now, I am forever young.

Whatever, I give up on love for now.

In conclusion, I am appalled that someone who I once considered to myself to be close to, could just so blatantly care less about my well-being, and throw me under the bus, and not defend me in any way possible. This only shows, that trust is a valuable thing to me, and that once you lose it, there is no way in hell you will ever get it back. And as for being threatened for, in all honesty, VENTING IN A BLOG, I find it totally flattering that you would all take the time out of your lives to make an account on this fine blogging website, and comment on my blog posts. It also just proves that you are just so insecure in yourself, that you have to continuously try to lessen the self-esteem of another, to boost yourself up.

I honestly hope that these people only find the best happiness in life, but please, I am just a lonely blogger. Don’t continuously harass me, because we are no longer in high school.

And I’ve said my piece.

Love, is unimaginable.

When all you’ve encountered in life is hatred and abuse.

It’s like your mind cannot process what love is when it’s right in front of you.

But maybe it isn’t you.

People can sense weakness, that you are vulnerable and susceptible to be treated like shit.

They thrive on your insecurities.

Telling you the things they think you want to hear, and then tearing you down, when you’ve been built up so high.

Telling you your worthless, nothing more than another girl, nothing special, not worth anyones time.

And it burns into the core of your existence. Scolding you every moment of everyday.

Slowly bringing you down to nothing but a shell of yourself.

Killing you slowly, painfully, until you can’t bear it anymore. 

The constant reminder that no matter how hard you try, life still finds a way to kick you in the face with a steel toe boot.

Fuck life sometimes. Hard in the ass. It sucks.

It disturbs me.

One thing I did while conducting this little experiment was step outside of my comfort zone by allowing these guys to in some way “take advantage of me”. What I mean by this is, I would never, ever subject myself to men like this, unless it was for the sake of a good argument, and to prove a point, which I think that this is a valid point to prove.

So the first night, I actually looked for guys to kind of get the experiment off and running. And all of the guys I spoke with, wanted to cyber. The next night, was the same thing, same situation, looked for a guy, all they wanted was cyber. The next night I didn’t go on. But when I came on tonight, I had at least 7 friend requests, and was getting chat requests up the wazoo. By the end of tonight, I counted I had upwards of 20 chats I had gotten, and ALL of them were about cybering. What does that tell you about men?

Something else that I did to see what these guys would say, was I had looked up guys whose profiles said something along the lines of “cyber/ing, sexy girls, hot girls” and I sent a universal message that read, “hey baby, if you’re looking for a good time, let me know ;]”. One of the guys I sent it to, sent me back a very explicit message, that would make a porn star blush.

Another thing that happened is that I was continuously asked if I had a camera. They always wanted to see pictures of me, or other parts of me. What does that tell you about men?

One guy I talked to asked me for my screen name, so I gave it to him, to see what he wanted with it. So we were talking, and I thought he was going to be one of the men who didn’t want to cyber. But boy was I wrong. He kept sending me pictures of his “member” and asking me for pictures of my breasts. Kept asking me what he should do with his hard-on, and continuously apologized when I didn’t answer. So is it that, he realized it was wrong to be talking to a woman like this, or was he just trying to cover his ass?

Needless to say, during this experiment, I only confirmed my beliefs that 99.9 percent of men are absolute pigs. All they ever think about is sex, banging hardcore, and breasts. It disgusts me, and makes me fear for the future of young men. Why is it that men can’t focus on important things like brains, wit, and kindness of the hearts?

Sometimes I feel like men should have been born with a women’s mentality.

This is the IMVU avatar.

I was chatting with this guy that lives a whiles away from me online. And we were really connecting. He wasn’t being like most guys in this chat room.  He was actually interested in what I had to say. So we talked. And connected. We said we would talk again. And we did.

It started as a good conversation. Talking about what we do, how our day was, stuff like that. Then he wanted to go on a “date” on this chat thing. So I said, “its harmless, why not.” So we did, and we talked. Then he said “Do you want to become friends on facebook?” I didn’t think there was any harm in it. So I requested him, noticed he was quite attractive, then continued to chat with him. But his tune changed. He was all like “I wish we didn’t live so far away from eachother, I would so date you” blah blah. But once  he saw what I really looked like he said “I think i’m going to try dating around here.” And this all happened AFTER we had become friends on facebook.

Can you say shallow!?

I was so hurt by this. He was totally fine with who I am when he didn’t know what I really looked like, but as soon as he saw me, he ran the other way. I don’t think i’m that bad looking. And it made me really upset when he said this.

Am I really that ugly?

To save you from all the details, i’ll make it short. We hung out every day after school. And we got really close. Then one day, we connected on a deeper level. Don’t go thinking we had sex, I am still a virgin thank you very much. But things did happen. And then, he ignored me. He used me. Causing me to not have trusted guys since then.

He let go, and so had I after he moved. Then he came back, and so didn’t the feelings. Well, my feelings for him came back. He had moved on. And I obviously hadn’t.

Still clinging to what we had had, I confronted my friend about it. Asking her if it was pathetic if I was hooked on a guy who had moved on. She told me that it wasn’t pathetic, that it had happened to her too. But that if he had moved on, I should try to also. And I have.

So the moral of the story is, don’t let guys use you, because 9 out of 10 times, you will develop strong feelings for this guy, and then you will get absolutely destroyed.

I guess all girls don’t get a prince charming.